Felt Like Dying

Dear Diary,

It's so sad..
Jus felt like banging my head on the wall and die....Or jus wish a car can jus run me over and jus die on the spot..

It's just demoralizing....If you get to have so many undesirable stuff happening on U..U will know how I feel...No one will ever understands...

everyone is happy...Or rather most...pple are happy...Yet...I'm not...I dun wish to make everyone worry or sad for me..So I merely...Said I'm ok..N congrats them..It's not their fault...But my heart jus feels the pain....It's like millions n millions of spears piercing....

I'm not jealous or envy...Jus that I felt that God's Unfair...Pple used to say...U reap wat u sow..But...duh..this phrase is no longer true...I've worked very hard..harder than most...I crossed my heart and swear...I have always put in all my effort...But I dun get the result I wanna see...Everything dun go on smoothly... Maybe it's my expectation...But If U worked that hard for something...at least U'll see part of the results...But i see NONE!!!

I'm jus one unlucky girl...

I'm not smart...I'm not pretty, not rich and I have lots of other bad points...I resign that to fate..I cant change it..But I worked hard to compensate all my short-comings... Yet it's useless...pple still go fo appearance...go for grades...Are pple to shallow...Or I'm just not fit to be called a normal human...Argh...Life sux..It's meaningless... I feel like giving up...feel like letting go the heavy burden...jus let it crush me to death...

I used to be so optimistic...SO cheerful...I used to think I'm the most fotunate girl...yet..i beg to differ now...

I was once a councillor...for the boys home...Now I truly understand how the boys felt...I tell myself those moltivating and encouraging words...that I once said to the boys...But it doesnt work... Everytime i fail i tell myself..I can do it..and worked harder the next time..yet..time and again..I get defeated...I felt like i'm jus lying to myself..this time I guess i really fell hard...hard on the concrete ground..It's like if u fall down once, u can climb up...But if u fall down so many times till u are cripped...there's no way u can climb up... It's such an irony...at one pt of time i was the one encouraging others not to give up their life...now...I felt the same as them...

I'm feeling so weak...so tired...I simply dunno wat i can do to make myself smile..I know everyone's concern abt me...But no one can feel wat i'm going through...the unseen pressure...I'm jus unhappy..very unhappy..

I know i have been shutting my doors on alot of pple...I know i rejected all my kind frenz help...But i dun wan them to worry..they shld not be upset when they shld be happy and lead their beautiful life...why bother abt me..just let me rot and be gobbled up by all the bateria...I dun care anymore...I'm too pain to feel anything..

Suddenly the world seemed to crush down on me...All my plans and dreams seemed to be destroyed...maybe cuz i'm ambitious..that's why i'm so badly hit...So near yet so far...Just when u think u are one step closer to ur plan...u realised tt u jus steped on the quicksand..and u are simply sinking..sinking further and further down...further and further away from ur destination... I have always planned far ahead...now...i realised..It's no use..it doesn't work this way...

WHERE"S THE LIFE I WANNA LEAD????

I'm so tired...felt so drained out...My family didnt know wat happen...didnt know wat happen...and I have to put up a mask infront of them...smile..joke..yet i'm bearing the bleeding heart...I dun wan them to know..It's not jus face...I dun have any face now..and i dun care abt it now..I jus dun wan they to be disappointed...I know i have been a disappointment as a daughter, as a sister as a buddy or a fren...Or for that matter i tink i'm a failure as a human being in the first place..I jus dun wanna upset them...Or feel burden...I dun wanna give them the problem...from young I'm always the one with the problem...my brother has always been the eilite..why cant i be half of him...haiz..no use comparing..It's my FAULT...I guess i'll feel more pressure if they know...I dunno hw to put it to them...

It's so painful....I know seeking death is an irresponsible act..yet i can understand why some pple do so now...SOmetimes...reality is too harsh to face...pple who have not gone through wat we did will be optimistic abt it...it's easier for them to say cuz they are not gng through it..it's only when these things happen on u tt u truly understand...I wish i'm still a baby...i baby tt will never grow up....

the world, reality is harsh n cruel...

haiz..is that's life?? I rather not live...

-=*My Buddies*=-

Dear Diary,

Time simply flies....my buddies hy and Acez have left for half a year..or more...And i miss them dearly...

Hy came back lately...but Acez didnt...though he said he wanna come back..then there's Jimmy who's in sg...but too biz to catch up...cuz he's always flying...n he works 7 days...I miss all 3 of them..

Haiz...why is it like tt...Is this another phase of life...??!!

All relationships dun seemed to be smoothed...frenz...haiz...

We used to catch up quite often...chat on the phone...share our happiness, and sorrow...yes now..we are separated by distance and time...

Recently when i'm talking to this cyber chatter [monk]...he reminds me of Acez...like acez, he's good with his shots...the way he chat to me is oso very much like him...we share the common interest i guess...he shared his photos with me...and we discuss abt it...reminds me of those times me n Acez...discuss abt his shots...Acez always share his shots..with me..n we wld discuss the prob and how it can be edited...n hw the colour can be adjusted...blah blah...I recall it started when he went for his exchange in Europe.. Now he hardly send me any...he told me he was too biz to take any...

Realised I haven chat to him for ages... Ever since the time... he sms me to get HY's add...n dunno y...tink he super biz...nway I saw him online quite often lately...I guess he oredi got his internet connection in france...yet i'm worried that I wld disturb him..so i hestitated to prompt chats...I usually bo chap in the past...dunno y i'm suddenly like tt..suddenly i feel tt our frenship has distanced....

Then there's Hy...Hardly see him online like he used to when he first got to Shanghai...haiz...cant ask him for advise like i always do in the past...N did i tell u he had always ben my walking directory...i dunno hw to go anywhere...can jus give him a call...n there were times i rem iwas lost...n he came to bring me to the place...good buddy hor...too bad...he's so far..now i got prob he wanna help oso cant le...Miss him so much..

N Jimmy...So near yet so so far...he's so so busy...always flying...then work round the clock...Gee..but he still gives me advise when i sms him for help....So touched....He gave me a miss call..muz rem to call him back...Hmm..but lately i feel tt he changed..I oso cant explained...but jus felt so...

Miss my Buddies So so much...miss the times we shared together...Those sweet memories jus flash on my brain as i'm typing this..It simply bring a smile to my face...wonder when i can be with them again like before..or we cant anymore...do frenz really have to part when they grad??? is this another phase everyone have to go through....To me my buddies have been the pirorities above all others....haiz...

Cyber frenz

Dear Diary,

Have been either doing some odd jobs here and there...or hunting for jobs...still practicing my stuff..and trying to come out with my company website...bro dun seemed to wanna help me...sianz...

Made a few cyber frenz...I seldom chat to strangers online...I'm jus those attitude person that seldom prompt chats or make effort to call up and catch up with my frenz...Hardly or almost never put my ICQ status online..till lately..then got to know few pple...gee...I wonder how these pple find my ICQ contacts...and why would they wanna do so....too bored??

Got to see all sorts of pple...some are those that jus wanna looked for a gf...some wanna have cyber sex...dirty talks...others...jus wanna find some to chat...Then there are those that appear nice then after sometime..u get to see their reveal true self...of course there are nice pple ard... It makes me wonder...wat's the purpose of cyber chats...i mean to stangers that is...

Gee...why are there such pple...I cant believe anyone jus become couples..it's so unbelievable till one of my 'sisters' found her husband to be through ICQ....duh..Gee...Surprise surprise....in the first place I wont even meet up with my cyber 'frenz'..at least till now i'm still firm on my stand...or rather no one is able to make me change my mindset on that...(yes i'm stubborn)

Somehow i draw lines between my frenz..i 'catagorised' them...ya...i'm terrible...i know..i never say i'm a goody in the first place...but i think most pple 'goups' frenz...everyone got their soulmates, buddies, their true frenz then follow by good frenz, normal frenz and aquaintance. Someone (one of my cyber fren) jus told me this there are no such thing as no frenz but unknown frenz...well I agree with him...cuz that's hw frenz are made in the first place..however..there are many diff types or catagories of frenz... Agree?

And Cyber frenz are mainly aquaintance to me...ok maybe there are those that can be good listeners..and great cyber frenz..(I dun deny) but I still feel that it's hard for me to "TRUST" them...It's jus like i dun expect them to trust me as well...

I dun understadn why pple wanna meet up with their cyber frenz...I'm really curious...No doubt i do have a few cyber frenz that i can click along very well...but I dun see the pt to meet...isn't good to stay the way it is...rather than disappoint each other when u eventually meet...I mean during the touts, the characther or wat u tink the person is like was been 'constructed' in ur mind...so wat if the person didnt turn out to be wat he/she is..isn't tt a disappointment and sad case...why not let everything stay as beautifully as it is...and don't they find it weird that they probably told their cyber frenz all their stuff...tinking since they dunno u..so it's not embarassing...hence is it not contridicting to meet then????

ok...I have to agree there are nice chatters ard...I mean...at least there's such one now tt i'm chatting with...at least till now he's still a nice chatter....Hmm...but i truly to many others like him that can trust their unknown cyber chatters fully...I mean jus through the first chat itself...*Kudos*

Maybe it's me...just me...tink i'm jus not those that go for online chats...I simply dunno how to chat with them...no topics at all man...

My Poor Knees

Dear Diary,

Gee...Look at how both my knees are bandage...ya..I got this lousy knees...tt suffered through lotsa injuries when i used to play sports...ya..so this is wat happen...never go for proper treatment...so..hee...The western doc wld asked me to go for operation..hence ya..tt's y..i turn to a chinese sinshi...haiz...see hw..hope i dun go handicap..

Life's Contradicting

Dear Diary,

This few weeks have been one of my most demoralised and low morale period...I've never felt so low confidence in myself before... I wonder where have my confidence, my cheerful self gone to...I have no one on my side...my family are not supportive...my buddies are all far far away...No one to help me...or give me advise like i used to have...I can understand how Esjay have been going through...(at least he still got his best frenz) cuz we are in the same boat...though different scenerio..

Everything seems to go upside down...

Life simply sux...!!!

At one point i have always wanted to graduate early...to step in to the working force...start my own company...fulfill my dream..reach my million plan target...I've set targets for myself sicne young...and have acomplished it smoothly till college...then Uni...I grow to realised...sometimes I cant change fate...No matter how much i wanna change my life...and get it plan...I cant control my surrounding things that happen...now at this turning point...I feel so 'sick'...I dread the feeling of not being able to acheive my plans...my dreams...cuz of all the hurdles and hinderance....

Been to lots of Interviews....Those that i wanted...all say so impressed abt this tt...yet cant accept me cuz i'm still not a blah blah...I HATE NTU....If not for the inflexible system and rule...I cld jolly well ****...haiz...Dun say le..Not that I cant do well...but i'm forced to have other committments...For goodness sake..if i can jus fully concentrate on one thing alone...who cant do well...haiz...I dun wish to explain further...No pt saying all this...

Rejected some jobs as well, cuz I know i wont enjoy doing plus my parents too.. Then there are Lots of insurance company tt called me cuz i open my CV online haiz but i'm not interested plus my parents are strongly against. Yes yes..My parents wld comment tt this job no good tt no good...then on the other hand keep pressurising me to find a job soon...then daddy keep nagging at me...ask me do this do tt...They feel that i'm wasting my time away not doing anything....but pls lor...I'm not rotting at home... I've sent tons n tons of resume out...and have been brushing up my flash n web skills...Duh...Darn...i have unsupportive parents....

They make me feel so lousy n useless...Everyday, i have been asked to be chauffer to drive my bro to camp n mummy around. I hate it...I hate having my life being manipulated this way...I mean i dun mind driving pple ard...but they make it like I'm useless fool...so this is the least i muz do...and after doing all i can...being at everyone's command...I'm still catagorised as USELESS!!! Wat the ****!!! ya ya...my brother is always the best...yes he's smart....he's capable..he's always right..but why are there always such comparision....

Then i went to get medical treatment for my knee n ankle. Doc wld advise me to undergo operation. I refused! Lots of reason behind it of course... So went to the chinese sinshi...got my knees bandage with some herbs...Spent alot of $$...haiz...i wish i can get a job soon...be it a PT job...

I jus dun wanna stay at home n face my parents n feels that i'm a useless bum...I wanna regain my confidence....my cheerfulness...I have not been hanging out with my frenz...cuz I dun wanna spend money...cuz my parents oredi feel that i'm a useless bum...so i dun wan them to feel that i'm wasting money too...I lost all my contacts...My PC crashed...no one is helping...but it's ok..I have myself to depend on...Mock on me if u want...say i'm silly..do it now..if not u wont have the chance in future...

Now working hard on my biz proposal...Jus wait and see...I'm not useless...I'm jus at the pit now...I'm jus down on luck...It's ok that i dont have any support now...I'll prove to the world...in time to come...Laugh at me now...it's ok...I have nothing to show now...so wat can i say....nothing but tolerate in silence...but just wait...I believe with determination and my talent, i'll make my mark somehow...

There's always Ups and Downs in life...When u are at ur pit...U are bound to come up again! Everything happens for a reason, unfortunate things happen but it's often a blessing in disguise for there's always rainbow after the rain and sunshine after the dark clouds. God make me go through life the harder way, but I know it's for the better. I wont give up!!!

"NEVER SAY DIE" *Roar*

Dear Diary,

Gee...Ok 1 shot...n off for an interview...lolz...

Supernatural powers believe it anot!?!

Dear Diary,

Ha...Sorry for this long overdue article..

Well abt a mth ago, i was chatting with this guy online who happens to be doing his NBA in NTU.

We were chatting online one day when he suddenly asked,
NBA: 'Are u brushing ur teeth while u are chatting to me?'
*I was Silent for a while* [I was basically too shocked to reply him at that moment..how would anyone know what i'm doing at that time...and why wld any other pple have weird habits like brushing teeth as i'm chatting online..okok..now everyone knows...whahaha...my first reaction..u bet, look ard my room..ha...all enclosed..no cameras, windows all closed cuz i on my air con..]
Me: 'Err...how you know'
NBA: 'Remember i told ya about people having the ability to mind read? and have flashes abt another person as long as you tink hard?'
Me:'Did u?'
NBA:'Yes..U know abt brain sending electronic waves?for example u and ur fren tinking of a song..then sing it suddently together..and Remember i told ya this example abt this monk from india, he has been praticising it for a long time. He's at the stage where he can control his mind reading?'

*He did sent me a website abt this monk..but i cant find it now, when i find it i'll post it up. This monk is very famous, he wears a yellow robe and he has thick busy hair. He has master the capability at the age of 10 if i didnt rem wrongly and he said that it's a capability that everyone have yet didn't know how to achieve*

Me:'Really? I tout the elctronic wave thingy is occurs when someone is very close to u or beside u.. It's so amazing..U muz be kidding..!!'
NBA:'Wat are u wearing now?'
Me:'U make a guess since u have the ability of mind reading'
NBA:'U are wearing a white spag and FBT shorts? '
Me:'No wrong....!!'
*Actually he got it CORRECT!!!! I was paranoid at that point*
NBA:'Ooo...maybe i'm not in the clear state of mind...'

Gee...after a few other incidents...ya..u bet he sure can mind read...even at a distance...He says as long as he tinks hard of me..he can actually have kinda flashes of me doing something...and say i'm silly if u want but I believe him.

The SECRET to mind reading:
1.Peace in mind n heart
2.To concentrate on thinking on the person, yet let go of all other stuff.
3 Let ur mind relax and flow.

ok i cant remember all the exact words but ya..it's along that line ya..of course u cant do it immediately..u need to practice..

Guess wat..I went to do a small research on the net and ya...wat he say is true..everyone have tt ability and all u need is practice.

Ha so can u imagine, if u have the ability, can read the type of question coming out for exams??!!! haha...read ur clients mind..Read ur bosses mind..ha...Woooow...

Ha..but nah..the thing is when u have evil thinking like this...apparently it will not work..lolz..

Ooo..another reason why i believe in this...cuz i have another good fren, Nana..she also have such similar capability though not mind reading..her's i can't find any scientific theory to explain.. simply super natural power..she's born with it, at the age 10 she can anticipate that a glass will break and warn her mum not to go to the kitchen..of course this is not the only incident...She's one with very strong 6 sense or wat docs call ERPs...

Gee...Say i'm crazy...but nah...i think it's amazing..I'm getting excited to find out more...it's very interesting...everyone has their own reasoning for this..it's how you perceive..Take it or leave it...

B4 and after

Dear Diary,

ok i'm going ot be killed by Lawerence...see the difference?
(clcik on photo to see clearer) The left with Pimples while the right one with clear good complexion...ha...cuz he took the photo himself then complain he got pimples...so i decided to use my photoshop to do him this favour..lolz...looks like those before and after beauty advertisement right? Hahha....

Anyone out there wanna employ me? ha...

Me n eve

Dear Diary,

ok this is me and evelyn...I look terrible...yucks..sucks big time in this photo...but nevermind lar...i got a babe beside me...

The couple to be

Dear Diary,

Ok....told ya we went for badminton game...that's evelyn and the male nurse Darren...i dont have a photo of him so cant show u guys lar...O...did i tell u guys...me, Law & kok was trying to match the two? They make a good couple...

Me n Buddy

Dear Diary,

ok it's me and my buddy again...our shot together always looks good ..hahaa....This shot was pretty good...credit goes to CK...

Me n CK w effect

Dear Diary,

It's me and CK..but the wind suddenly blow in our direction and causes the spots...but we both look pretty good don't we...wat a waste..wait till i got time..i'll edit the spots...

Look ugly

Dear Diary,

gee....we both look horrible...I look like some idiot..smply weird and ugly..and CK never smile...so dao...

The gals

Dear Diary,

Now it's our turn...me and siek yen...do we look like those makan host recommending the food??? haha...
Love this photo...

The guys

Dear Diary,

Yeah...told ya we took photos at kopitiam le..ha...ya that's hengyong n the soon to be pilot Chee Keong...who tried to teach me the proper way of holding a chopstick..ha...but dh i still cant...lolz..

My vegeterian Breakfast

Dear Diary,

Yes..this is the vegeterian bee hoon i have for breakfast...with my energy boosting coffee as usual..Don't usually take this cuz i dun like vegeterian...but this one taste pretty good...it's at the coffee shop near the temple..infront of the open car park...great recommendation by my buddy again...O i dunno hw much cuz my buddy pay for it...and the kopi was treated by Siekyen...hee...lucky me...

Parco shot

Dear Diary,

This is a shot i take when i was waiting for Hengyong when he was in the washroom...a shot of Parco bugis....not bad right...got professional standard hor...So imressed with myself

Should have inserted my initial inside...aiya..

Lost

Dear Diary,

Have been typing my resume...and cover letter....sending them out...waiting for calls..

Felt Lost.... Have always got great plans, great aimbition...but now when i reach this time..I Dunno wat i wanna really do...I cant decide how i shld go..Rather...I have in mind wat i wanna be eventually...I wanna start my biz...wanna do design...do sth tt's of my interest... yet i need to work to get experience...to get capital..to have connections...I'm a people person..wanna find a job that's people related work yet jobs that i really caught my eyes at first sight, i cant apply cuz i don't meet their requirement...cuz i'm holding an engineering degree..

Why did i go to engine...cuz i love science..but after the 4 torturing years ...I was tired and turn off..I still love science i guess...but not so much of engineering. NTU makes me tired i guess...or ore like the system here makes me wanna escape...and some of the tutors..i don't want to be like them heartless and coldblooded....It makes me tink is it becaused they have been facing all this lifeless machines tt makes them so cold...

I'm not a least bit worried abt been a fresh graduate and having not enough experience...cuz i have lots of working experience...Haiz...nonetheless i have sent out quite afew CVs...mainly Management trainee jobs and customer service... There are lots of pple tt question me...Well, I jus wanna find a P-R job...n i tink those with Management trainee programs are good since i wanna start my own biz..

But my dear brother actually didnt quite support my thinking...watever..i do wat i like..I'm not successful yet...so i'll swallow my pride now till the day i reach the top....we shall see...

Hy & Matthew

Dear Diary,

ok this is my buddy hy and Matthew...his fren...Hmm....do all the Matthews look similar...he reminds me of my SAJC fren Matthew....wonder when can see this fren le...lost touch le...haiz...

The 3 Muskerteers

Dear Diary,

Ah ha....Now it's the 3 muskerteers not bad ya...

SJ & HY

Dear Diary,

Gee..this is SJ n HY...it's my turn taking photo for them...My skill not too bad yah..lolz...SJ as usual in his Cheeky look..ha....Did i say he's a model? ya..he's jus those potential guys...Gals watch out for this chap..he might be gng on TV soon....lolz..

My Buddy & Me

Dear Diary,

This is me and My Bestest BUDDY.....Hengyong...Yes we took all these photos in the ISland Cafe...O..i know u going to ask me why we are not centralised? Cuz SJ says he wanna have some 'greenery' in the photo...so ya..the pot of plant is in...Don't i looks tired in the photo? After exam...cannot blame lar...and didnt bother to edit the photo...ha....so here goes..

Esjay & Me

Dear Diary,

Ok this is me and My good fren Esjay...Someone whose company i enjoyed alot...Loves the time spent with him..He always makes me laugh..brings me joy...even though he's so down lately...and has gone down quite abit..he still makes an effort to make pple ard him happy...wish i can cheer him up the way he does for us...My prayers for him.... :)

HengYong...Cheers

Dear Diary,

O ya..this is My Buddy Hengyong and his Honeydew Drink....hahaha.... Cheers..~!!!

Island Cafe

Dear Diary,

Gee..this is the Drink we took...as in me, Esjay and Hengyong...it's 3 for $8.50...Healthy Fruit Juice..Heng yong n me had Honey Dew and SJ had water mellon..at I'sland cafe..the recommendation i mention earlier...that Hengyong brought us to. It's at CK tangs. Cool place..gret ambience and service...Ideal Place for chats... We stayed there for a couple of hours talking abt my coming to be event company...which they name it ZenUs Bleu...Nice huh...ya...and talk abt my encounters...lolz...Anyway...go to Islands Cafe..if u looking for a plcae to chill out..

First chilled out Sunday ever since ....

Dear Diary,

It's been so so long since i have a break..or rather...can poperly enjoy my TV shows, go out with my frens..and play hard...I have been mugging so hard preparing for exams...

Woke up in the morning and it's like 6am...when i sleep at 4am cuz i was playing with my blog..woke up early cuz i got to drive my mummy to work (went to help this old lady to get her hair done..She dun usually do this...but tink the lady has difficulty in walking so mummy do the favour..), then i got to meet up with Hengyong and the rest at 8am at bugis to pray...gee....

Anyway...Meet up with them...It rained so heavily...and i have a hard timedriving cuz i wasn't sure how to go bugis from river valley...yes..I simply got no sense of direction one...fotunately i got my buddy with me...he looked at the street directory and gave me directions...

Met up with 2 other good frens Chee Keng and Siek Yen...My other buddy Jimmy suppose to meet up us and go pray..but tink he was too busy..Miss him alot..haven seen him for ages and ages...he was down with some problems too..poor chap...haiz..he was always there for me...wish i could do something for him too...

Anyway...after praying we had our vegeterain beehoon at one of the coffee shop there..then took photos..ha..u can imagine how the people there look at us..taking photo in coffee shop..but who cares..

Chat ther for quite a bit then cuz it's oso mother's day we got to go...Sent Siek yen n Hengyong back after fetching my mum along the way...

In the afternoon, Kok and Lawrence called me to played badminton..so off i went...yes i know my knees are bad..but i cant stop doing everything mah...i try not to overexert lar...n i was a good gal i put on my knee guard k...

Ooo..meet up with evelyn, and Linda....haven seen them since CNY...so coolz...o and i oso make a new fren...hmm wat's his name again...o ok..tink it's Darren...sharks..i got bad memory...ha...I know i'll beforgiven one lar..hahaha...O did i tell u he's a Nurse? A Male Nure..How Cool is that.... my first Male nurse fren.... See i got frenz from all over...lolz...

Had a game...gee...so fun...was so hyper...ha...then after which we went to makan...ok i only take sugarcane drink...ya..but we had some long chats...jus love my frenz...love to spend time with them...

Gee...so tired le...

The Love between Nana & Jing wei

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I Meet up with Nana on today since afternoon...Just reached home in fact...She's watching movie with her frenz...I knew she wont enjoy the Movie..not without Jingwei...

Nana's my good fren...my little sister...Someone that has much similarities in term of beliefs and family background...

She has everything....all along she was looking for a boyfriend someone she truly loves & loves her as much..... and recently she found...Her TRUE LOVE...The LOVE OF HER LIFE...Her Mr RIGHT... Jingwei... and He who loves her as much... The perfect couple, the perfect match... The couple that everyone envys... She finally found..and her life she said is complete...she want nothing more..NOTHING...

Yet abt one mths ago, Jingwei was sent to Heaven. The 2 loving DOVES is now separated apart by distance..forever...Why is God So cruel? Why did God Do such a cruel act to them? Give them happiness then reap them out of it....!!!

This ger has been crying so much...so so much..I can understand..cuz when my dearest dearest beloved grandma passed away it took me more than a month to stopped crying completely..in fact till know i still cant forgive the one tt cause her death...and i still cry each time i think of her.. Not to mention abt Nana...The poor girl... It must have been so painful...so painful...worst than break ups..worst than if millions of dagger pericing ur heart...it's so hard to take...They have so many plans together...so many things that they wanna do together...but over night everything disappear...

For those that have not read the papers or have not seen Xia Xue's blog(she's jingwei's fren), Jingwei is the 20yr old guy that skidded while riding a bike and got killed when a SBS bus run over him and crush his head. It was an immediate death, at least he don't feel the pain. Nana manage to see him before he was carried away...I guess that's wat JW wanted...for his beloved to see him the last time...

This entire period was hell for Nana...I felt bad for not being there for her...when i was one of the first she told..but i was in hospital and i was having exams..Haiz...bad things jus come...all at a shot..it's not easy..but no one can help her except herself...everyone can only give her advise..console her...for me i can tell her my experience and how i overcome it...but the rest is all up to her...She shld learn to pick up herslf not jus tink of going to be with JW...she has to accet the cruel reality, the fact which cannot be changed...if JW knows i believe he would want her to live her life happily...complete the things they wanna do together..finish the unfinish stuff..only she can do it...it's all up to her...whether she wanna listen and believe in it..

It hurs me to see her so painful and helpless...i believe all her other frens and loved ones feel the same too...Haiz...I guess i can understand her the most cuz we share same thinking...yet i feel helpless abt it..cuz i know i cant help much..to ease her pain...only she can help herself...I really hope she would be herself soon...

Sometimes i wonder why do bad things happen? why does it happen on us? Arn't God suppose to make the world a happy place?
I guess, Everything happens for a reason. God wants us to learn to be stronger...God created Bad things to make us treasure wat we have. Of there's no bad things i guess there wont be any good things either cuz then you don't realised it's good right?

26th-28th April The Cock up M463 (Special Edition 2)

Dear Diary,

26th April:
TOday's the big big day...it's M463 paper. It's a known killer paper for the past history like M461...I'm worried yet at the same time i looed forward to this paper...Cuz I have worked extremely hard for this paper...Not only have i read through the notes twice, i have done tutorials twice, do past year, attend extra lessons help by master students as well as those held by Prof Tony Yeo. It's oso cuz I like prof yeo...that i worked hard for the paper. I'm those tt will work hard for the tutor that i like. Ya very dumb i know..but i'm jus like that. Jus like I know i have to do QA well...then i work hard..n Bingo i got A....So this paper...i was hoping to do well...not A but at least reasonable....

Darn...all the hard word seems to go to drain lor...I did the question on Turbo first (which is also the last question) cuz My tutor Prof Tony Yeo is good on that and has gave us alot of additional class on that hence is was very confident in scoring full mark but what the f**K...the question has got a problem...there was missing value and i spend a whole 15mins jus tinking of this question i feel something is wrong. I knew i was running out of time so i assume a value and complete the question and proceed on...but after 1 and half hr the stupid *sotong ball* came to annouce that there's a prob in the question...f**K i have to redo the whole damn thing...after which i dont have enuff time...and did the rest of the question hastely...

I was in shocked...my tutor saw me and whisper to me...Don;t panic, write in ur paper, 'sir i spend half hr thinking of this qn'. I appreciate wat he said to me. It gave me confident...I was blank initially...but he gave me the strength...

I was disappointed...I attempted the entire paper...but i have no time to tink jus do wat i feel....
It's dumb....I feel angry and frustrated at the coordinators mistake....how can they make such mistakes...

I went back to the library, write a thank you note to prof tony yeo and explained why i was horrified and in shocked...ok rather i was complaining....

Then i realised i lost my matric card...as in i left it in the exam hall...argh....Lousy day...muz be i was too agitated n mad abt the mistake made by prof at our expenses...and i forgot to take my matric card....duh...

27th April:
Prof Yeo replied. HE said he understand and has forwarded my concern to the co-ordinator...I didn't asked him to...i know he did it for me out of good will...but i'm worried...What will happen??? Will the co-ordinator gets angry and fail me??? Lots and lots of touts run through my head..

Shortly...I received an email from the co-ordinator to meet him...I was scared...after the bad experience meeting with FYP co-ordinator regarding my FYP appeal...I hate them...they are just mean pple they put up a deceiving mask... I despise them and totally look down on them...If their kids know what they have down to some poor student like me....i bet their kids would dis-own them...Why don't they put themselves in my shoe or rather in the students perspective..or even imagine if their kids are the ones...the por victims....They cold heartless mean animals...they don't deserve my single respect at all...I hate them to the core....haiz...anyway...i'm frighten...starts to get parnoid and intimidated....

Nonetheless, i met a fe kind souls like Prof Tony, Prof Butler, Prof Lim teow ek...

The rest 90% of NTU tutors sucks and are fake...Blah...U dun deserved my respect at all!!!

I sms my 2 buddies...HY and Jimmy....I didnt sms Acez...cuz i tink i know his ans...Relax lar..no prob...that's him...always so care free...no prob is a prob....but sadly my buddies sisnt reply..I was lost..very lost...nonetheless...i decided to face it...take it in my strike...

28th April:
I picked up my courage and meet him....the M463 co-ordinator Prof Lum. He appeared friendly...All the more i out on my protective shield...This time i'm prepared to fight back..to get fight for my rights....He was supper political....

Lum: I understand ur concern, I'll try to mark this paper in a sympathetic manner. Prof spot made an error but we will look into each and every paper and try to minimise the mistake impact on each student.

Ling: How can u do that? For my case, i do it as the 1st qn. The impact on me was great. i wasn't the only one.

Lum: I understand i'll try to look into tt but u know this is a killer paper. I cant assure everyone will pass. I cant help it if u fail and u are the victim.

Ling: But this is unfair. I didnt finish the paper cuz of the mistake. pple who did it first will not be affected tt much. I did tt qn cuz prof yeo did alot of classes on it n i'm confident i can score the 25 marks.

Lum: i know Prof yeo is good in tt n i tink most o his students wld prob did tt qn first like u but we are all humans we make mistake.

Ling: U make mistake at our expenses and cost? this is our final year and sem tt's y we are all so paranoid...

Lum: i understand but i still cant pass everyone

Ling: but this is not the only mistake. My fren sitting at the back cant hear the changes put up his hand and some invigilators told him the wrong value.

Lum:ok as long as his working correct n he has the value 30 he wld be awarded the marks. u can be assured tt i will look into each n every script

Ling: ok wat can i say.

Lum: tell ur frenz abt u. U are not the first tt came to meet me today. I'll try to minimise the mistake.

Ling: ok thanks.

Duh wat can i say...going one big round...still same conclusion don't want me to make a big huha...I was not even convince how to convince my fren...kaoz...but at least he was not like the fyp co-ordinator....

12th Apr the Guilty day (Special edition 1)

Dear Diary,

12th April...I wont forget this day....

Gee...this i supposed was one of the worst times of the mugging period....

It was a bright morning...I woke up as usual and went to Q to buy curry puff for zoe... since she is so sweet....always booking seats for us... i shld do something in return.... On my way to school, she sms to asked wat time i'm gng school.... She feels bad abt booking seats...but to me it's like we are not the only one that book the seats...and it's not as if we book and not going to occupy it... anyway...when i reach school zoe somehow was not in a good mood..or was it me tt feels this way....she was with desmond...so i offer to leave our things and all go to the canteen for a quick breakfast since my mummy bought me food and i bring to school (and after my gastric emergency call..i don't wanna get sick jus b4 exam). However, Zoe don't seemed to be herself...she says she feel bad..n there are alot of pple who wants seats...and refused to go foir breakfast..

Zoe: Don't want. I feel bad. So many pple want the seat then don't have..
Ling: We'll have a quick one
Des: Ya...
Zoe: no lar. U all go ahead
Ling: No we go together. Very fast one. The other pple oso like tt..We'll cop chop finish then come back.
Zoe: Nvm. U all go.
Ling: No. if not we all don;t go.
Des: So how?
Zoe: Wat time they coming?
Ling: They wont be here tt early as usual when they come we have to go for the 463 extra lesson le...
Zoe: U all go lar.
Ling: No..Nvm. I'm not very hungry.

So the conversation goes on and u can roughly know wat's it... After that, i don't feel like eating anymore. Zoe tout i was angry with her but no. I was jus sian...like i came to sch in gd mood..then somehw...everything jus dun go..and i start to lose appeitite. Then she walked away crying tinking i'm angry with her. I sms her to come back but she refused and didnt wanna say why. So i told her if she's jus mad at me, then i'll jus go sit on the computer able n let me seat to pple who wants it, then she oso wont see my face and get upset..

I shifted. She asked me to go back but i didn't want to. Not because i was angry cuz i feel tt it was a bad day..n there's tension. If i go back, i wld not be able to conc. Everyone tout i was pissed and being "xiao qi" ...or so i think they feel...but i hack care...no mood to care abt wat others think. I'm jus to stress to care...

Soon after she sms me...to say she having asthma...but ask me to go back to my seat...awhile later she said she cant breathe....Eileen came by then(if fact she asked me to go back to the seatbut i refused)...n she went after to see if she's ok...but i feel sth's wrong so i went to go for her too..

I sms Eileen to leave us alone. I tout Zoe has asthma cuz she was upset so only i can talk to her n explain to her and calm her down...

Eileen left us...Before i cld taked to Zoe i know something is wrong. She told me she was breathless and her entire body starts to cramp up. She complained abt her head being numb and senseless and she cant moved...neither can i touched her...she feels pain....I was lost and helpless...I called for help...

In minutes...so many things happen...thank god there lots of kind soul in NTU...The librarians were helpful...but...i was so angry with the NTU Clinic. Alan called them for help...and those F**king doctors jus ask us to bring her there...she cant walk lor...n she's cramp and she feels when we try to touch her. Call themselves doctors...Go eat shit lar...

Nway to cut the story short..we manage to transport her using the arm chair and called the camous warrant to transport her. Then the doctor did another thingy which make me completely disappointed and utterly angry...He asked another doctor, "what dosage and medcine to use for hyper ventilae case ah?"

If any NTU Authorities is reading this....Why the hell did u guys employ such useless fools as doctors. Doctors that are not considerate, and don't even know their stuff...kaoz...and asked another doctors infront of us....Pls asked them to go home and sleep lar....It's like sitting in a plan where the pilot don't know how to control...So dumb...For goodness sake don't bring harm to the poplutaion in NTU can. I cant remember the doctors name but he's a middle age guy...balding...

Fortunately with god's blessing...Zoe recovered.... gradually..

I missed part of my revision class...with i requested the prof to have...Anyway i was not in the mood...I felt guilty...I knew i trigger it off though she says she oredi feels uncomfortable...but i knew it's me...IT"S JUST ME....I cried so much...Alan n Eileen were worried abt me...Eileen knew i was feeling guilty...and i know everyone tinks so too...I feel so lousy... there were some stuff that i didnt wanna say anymore...it's over..no point saying...No one can understand...

Nonetheless, i guess everything happens for a reason...I realised there are still nice pple ard in NTU..like the libraians...then Princess, Zoe, Eileen and Alan...and of course my bestest buddy Acez...who knew what happen and called back from France...I was touched...Felt so loved by everyone...though i still feel sence of guilt...I cant forgive myself for hurting my frenz...but that's because i care for them and i loved them...I have experience tt they will never understand...but i don't blame them...

Forgive and forget...the loved ones...and i know i'll be a happier person...for i lived for the one i love...

Photos

Dear Diary,

Hhaa...so sorry..no time to edit the photos...or to add border,,,but since it wasn't that badly taken i didn't bother to edit...Biz with my resume and cover letters....ok i agree my hair is ugly...my fringe is terrible...then my eye bag...n i look so tired...but...well...overall the photos wasn't that bad...the rest look ok..

u know sometimes it's a good thing u don;t have super good camera..then all the pimples wont come out...whahahahhaa

The 2 babes

Dear Diary,

I like this one too....

Beauty Winners

Dear Diary,

I Just love this photo...Does it not remind u of those beauty queen contest? Hahaha...U got the queen sitting at the centre and first and second runner up beside..haha

The Group Photo

Dear Diary,

All 5 of us...don't we all look good..I just like this photo...

Birthday Wishes

Dear Diary,

Zoe making her birthday wishes...

Another artistic Shot

Dear Diary,

Another shot...I think this is a pretty well taken...by me
whahahahah..............

The Birthday Girl

Dear Diary,

Zoe's bdae celebration on 29th her bdae on 30th...we ate at marche...n we got her a ig fruit tart asd birthday cake...coolz right...