Felt Like Dying

Dear Diary,

It's so sad..
Jus felt like banging my head on the wall and die....Or jus wish a car can jus run me over and jus die on the spot..

It's just demoralizing....If you get to have so many undesirable stuff happening on U..U will know how I feel...No one will ever understands...

everyone is happy...Or rather most...pple are happy...Yet...I'm not...I dun wish to make everyone worry or sad for me..So I merely...Said I'm ok..N congrats them..It's not their fault...But my heart jus feels the pain....It's like millions n millions of spears piercing....

I'm not jealous or envy...Jus that I felt that God's Unfair...Pple used to say...U reap wat u sow..But...duh..this phrase is no longer true...I've worked very hard..harder than most...I crossed my heart and swear...I have always put in all my effort...But I dun get the result I wanna see...Everything dun go on smoothly... Maybe it's my expectation...But If U worked that hard for something...at least U'll see part of the results...But i see NONE!!!

I'm jus one unlucky girl...

I'm not smart...I'm not pretty, not rich and I have lots of other bad points...I resign that to fate..I cant change it..But I worked hard to compensate all my short-comings... Yet it's useless...pple still go fo appearance...go for grades...Are pple to shallow...Or I'm just not fit to be called a normal human...Argh...Life sux..It's meaningless... I feel like giving up...feel like letting go the heavy burden...jus let it crush me to death...

I used to be so optimistic...SO cheerful...I used to think I'm the most fotunate girl...yet..i beg to differ now...

I was once a councillor...for the boys home...Now I truly understand how the boys felt...I tell myself those moltivating and encouraging words...that I once said to the boys...But it doesnt work... Everytime i fail i tell myself..I can do it..and worked harder the next time..yet..time and again..I get defeated...I felt like i'm jus lying to myself..this time I guess i really fell hard...hard on the concrete ground..It's like if u fall down once, u can climb up...But if u fall down so many times till u are cripped...there's no way u can climb up... It's such an irony...at one pt of time i was the one encouraging others not to give up their life...now...I felt the same as them...

I'm feeling so weak...so tired...I simply dunno wat i can do to make myself smile..I know everyone's concern abt me...But no one can feel wat i'm going through...the unseen pressure...I'm jus unhappy..very unhappy..

I know i have been shutting my doors on alot of pple...I know i rejected all my kind frenz help...But i dun wan them to worry..they shld not be upset when they shld be happy and lead their beautiful life...why bother abt me..just let me rot and be gobbled up by all the bateria...I dun care anymore...I'm too pain to feel anything..

Suddenly the world seemed to crush down on me...All my plans and dreams seemed to be destroyed...maybe cuz i'm ambitious..that's why i'm so badly hit...So near yet so far...Just when u think u are one step closer to ur plan...u realised tt u jus steped on the quicksand..and u are simply sinking..sinking further and further down...further and further away from ur destination... I have always planned far ahead...now...i realised..It's no use..it doesn't work this way...

WHERE"S THE LIFE I WANNA LEAD????

I'm so tired...felt so drained out...My family didnt know wat happen...didnt know wat happen...and I have to put up a mask infront of them...smile..joke..yet i'm bearing the bleeding heart...I dun wan them to know..It's not jus face...I dun have any face now..and i dun care abt it now..I jus dun wan they to be disappointed...I know i have been a disappointment as a daughter, as a sister as a buddy or a fren...Or for that matter i tink i'm a failure as a human being in the first place..I jus dun wanna upset them...Or feel burden...I dun wanna give them the problem...from young I'm always the one with the problem...my brother has always been the eilite..why cant i be half of him...haiz..no use comparing..It's my FAULT...I guess i'll feel more pressure if they know...I dunno hw to put it to them...

It's so painful....I know seeking death is an irresponsible act..yet i can understand why some pple do so now...SOmetimes...reality is too harsh to face...pple who have not gone through wat we did will be optimistic abt it...it's easier for them to say cuz they are not gng through it..it's only when these things happen on u tt u truly understand...I wish i'm still a baby...i baby tt will never grow up....

the world, reality is harsh n cruel...

haiz..is that's life?? I rather not live...