The Once Respected One

Dear Diary,

Have U guys ever quarrel with your parents? I bet somewhat in time...we quarrel with our parents..Siblings...

From Young, my relationship with my parents had always been very strong..the family bond is very strong...I had always felt so fortunate...till...secondary 4 or was it JC...where some unexpected things happen...it turn out to be a turning point for the entire family...Since then...the relationship starts to turn sour...no matter how hard we try to maintain...

Haven really had quarrel with my dad...since young..my Dad is a MCP..so usually everyone in the family would shut up and listen to what he has got to say...moreover..he does have more experience in life...so it also seems more advisable to listen to him...However his style of dealing with things did disappoint me..

My daddy dotes on my alot...at least that's how i feel from young...I was only beaten once...once only..by my dad...when i was in kindergarten..(I admit i was at fault and deserved to be cane)the scene still remain fresh in my memory...and ever since my dad never scolds or lay a hand on me...

My parents had high expectation for us in life..and expect us to be independent like them... I believe my brother did it somehow..while i am always the disappointment of the family...

This period of time...I had few quarrels with my dad...he scolded me...he said hurting words that I just cant help but bleed in the heart...Maybe to all the rest it seems ok...but somehow..to me..it matters, it hurts...cuz I feel that He no longer loved me...Every night, tears would jus roll down...I know I was a disappointment...I know how lousy and useless I am...yet when u know U disappointed ur loved ones and those u care....It hurts..I'm weak emotionally...

He scolded me..I didnt really fight/argue back...though i showed displease on my face...He forced me to do things I didnt want to...he forced me to learn...which I unwillingly do so eventually...I dunno what to say but I cant describe the pain...

We were sort of in a cold war....rather...I was the one that didnt speak up... just remain silence...I didnt know how to say sorry...and wat to be sorry abt..

I had alot of pressure and stress at home..Feels like moving out...I know my brother felt the same though he's beta than me in all aspect...but he doesn't like...to be forced to do things by my dad..which is why he rather stays in camp even when he can book out daily...(it's not much hassle for him to book in and out cuz usually i'll drive him to camp in the morning)..

Where's the daddy I once had...where's the Daddy I hadgreat respect for..the daddy that I had always placed great importance in my heart..the one that I have always labelled as my role model..in life..in biz...

Is it me or him..??? Does circumstances really change pple? People do change over time? I dunno...I'm confused...

Maybe it's me..I'm too pampered...Maybe I should be a more understanding daughter...but I'm unhappy..Why did things have to happen...and turn my family this way..Argh...Feels like I'm staying in hell....