Stop lying to urself

Dear Diary,

Haiz..No one understand how i feel..though they said they can...ya right...they had never gone through wat i had...

I'm facing pressure from all around...I dun wish to say where...haiz...

Since my secondary 4...I had never been really Happy...I have always been optimistic...tell myself positive things to cheer myself up..to tell me i can do it..my moltivation line had always been..everything happen for a reason..i keep telling myself tt...i keep making myself believe that all that unfortunate things happen to make me stronger...God wants me to learn...but since sec 4...nothing good ever happen...where are all my happy days...Over night..everything disappear...then my luck goes down...

I had to put up a happy face...I learned that when i'm working...I know i had to learn to put up a Happy face at times...so that my work..are not affected...my customers are happy...i wanna make everyone...around me..my frenz...n family n collugues ard me happy..i dun wan anyone to worry abt me...I tried to be happy..try to cheer myself up...even when things dun turn up well..I had always been a perfectionist...maybe that's y i'm always upset...I used to do well in studies, CCA, people relationship..I have everything..Money, frenz, loved...haiz..but when u are down on luck...things jus dun work..no matter how hard u work...

I have been crying alot lately...I recall all the bad things that happen...how i had to grind my teeth n go thru...how certain pple disappoint me...even my ex boss whom i greatly respect was a great disappointment...I worked hard...but God is really selfish...Some dun even have to work..and they get wat they want...

U can be good at sth...u can teach pple...u work hard...yet pple get the result while u dont...WHY WHY WHY...it happen once...twice....but why always on me....!!!!

Don't tell me tt's life..wat life..WTF!!!!

I had always thought I can make it big some day...cuz i go through alot...maybe Cass is right..I doubt my capability now...I have so many unrealised dreams...that i truly wanna complete..yet at this point...i jus feel like gng to meet my beloved granny..

Maybe I'm not as good as i tink...

Went to draw some lots thingy...guess part of it is quite true...it says i'm now a bird that lost its feather and shelter...flying aimlessly...ya bingo...that's how i feel now...

I'm lost...my effort is not worth anything at all...the world is jus too cruel n harsh...I hate this reality...I jus lost my aim...my jest..my moltivation...everything seems so meaningless....So numb...i somehow return to the state i was yrs back when my beloved granny...left me..where nothing matters...

when the hot water scald me on the leg...all i felt was the pain in the hurt...tt why i'm so useless...i feel like a zombie...