The message from God

Dear Diary,

Had a bad fall....Smack face to face to someone else and landed on my back with my elbow hitting hard on the hard ground. The acute pain shot up killing the nerves giving me an almost instantaneous numbness. I tried to climb up for the fear of more embarrassment created however I lost control of my arm and body completely.

The guy was alright and just before I almost passed out I heard him asked if I was alright. ..
My vision blurred...

When I finally got up with my friends help, I could hardly stand on my feet. Everything appeared double. I simply cant get hold of my body as much as I wanted too...

Just as I was sitting down to fully regain my conscious, images and thought ran through my mind... It appear to be messages that god is trying to convey to me.

The fall comes to me like those I have throughout my life. It always comes unexpected... When it's a light fall you can still climb up, when the fall gets so hard, you will be so injured, so hurt that you cant climb back up as much as you wanted to... You get so out of control no matter how determined, how much faith you have in getting up... You just cant get it your way...

I recall how SJ always try to encourage me by asking my to be optimistic but this incident just tells me vise versa. Sometimes it's no use having in the mind too, cuz we cant change the circumstances and changing surroundings. He asked me not to give up on myself, I'm trying not to but I dunno what else I can do too. I did what everyone advise and what everyone else have done... I dunno what's wrong.

Just like every losers, I starting to ask myself WHY?? Why is it like that? How can I reverse things? The two voices in me is having a battle now... I'm losing control of everything, me and my own life. Jus as I lose control, my evil twin is getting hold of me...I realized I'm getting lazier by the days, fatter, less motivated... I can see myself getting uglier and haggard... I know it makes me lose more confidence... Makes me wanna hide at home more... sales going down... Things get worst... I know this is bad but somehow my evil twin call all the shots now.. Just cant be bothered... Cant be bothered with anything anyone... Even if it means pissing everyone... I care less... No words of wisdom seems to get into me... Starting to forget how it feels to smile from the heart...

Part of me is still concious... but I dunno how long more I can sustain...

I missed the times with my friends... but I dunno how to face them now... not with the current me..

How can I get away from my evil twins, the voice of evil...

How can the knot in the heart be un-tangled...

Dear God, pls tell me how, what I can do to get out of poverty, get out of the falling to the bottomless pit, gain back my confidence. Pls teach me how to smile again... Pls send me another enlightenment... and let me get control of the evil twin. I will be more realistic I promise, no more dreams, I promise I'll be less ambitious... I'll be good... be kind to everyone... Ill build more Karma... I'll work hard.. very hard... with my very last bit of faith and energy, I know you'll help those that help themsleves... I dun wanna give up yet... I dun wanna lose everything yet...