Confused & Lost

Dear Diary,

I'm Confused... Totally lost it to myself again... Maybe I really think too much... But whenever I cant get my thoughts straight... I get frustrated... I lose my sleep like now as I type this post... I dun care who's reading this.. I supposed there aren't too many.. nway cant be bothered.. Just wanna relief my pressure somewhere..

WARNING: This is going to be a boring post, it's jus COMPLAINS and more COMPLAINS, nothing much interesting to you can give it a miss...

Pressure build up as the days tickled away... I can totally understand how SJ is feeling... Not being able to get a job... Yes we don't have a good degree, we may not be academically good like any other scholars, but that doesn't mean we are not gifted!!! We are absolutely confident in our talents but we are deprived of our chance to even prove ourselves... Like SJ, I know he's good in designing and stuff and he has got great taste, yet with an average engineering degree you are rejected from everyone. You cant get in to an engineering field which requires at least a good honous, and some relevant experiences, then you cant get into any field you like and yet you have potential in because you don't have the 'relevant' qualification and you can even win a chance for an interview much less a chance to prove yourself.

Myself, I'm not much different from SJ, age is building up, responsibility and pressure increases... School debts to clear now that I finally step out of school, yet I cant find a job. People may not know what they want in life, but I know, yet I am troubled by it. Maybe that's why some says "Foolish people live happier!"... They just think less, worry less and live everyday happily...

I know I'm a people person, (I'm a DI if you have done the DISC test you wld understand), I have high aspiration and dream for myself. I have always wanted to have my own company and made my first million before 30... It was all possible when I was in Tertiary... even till the day I was about to graduate, I still strongly believe so... And cant wait to realized my dream...But now for once, I was dishearten... Upset over my lost in motivation... I am shocked that this is happening to me, the fact that I'm even doubting self... No matter how hard I tried to remove the barrier, I will have another one up for me... As the day past, I know my millionaire dreams are diminishing...... People had always tell me how unrelistic I was... I hate myself now that they predicted my outcome. Dammit! Now broke as I am, I only hope to start my own company and do something I enjoy.

I just cant help but recalling and reflecting on the past...My previous 2 company. Started the first company while I was in year 3... Then I got betrayed... Fine, $10K but I learn a good lesson. Pain for sure, hell period gone through without any other people's help but that didn't put me down. I finally manage to climb up, despite all the disapproval from everyone else, despite all others side hinderance ...I still manage to earn back some capital and started another one just before I graduated, finally, after all the efforts I thought I was seeing my dreams come true... But no, my love is objecting violently, and I was forced to pulled out!!! I know I can't let them know but like what the chinese saying, "You cant trap fire with Paper"! $5k lost.. It's not a big sum, but the effort put in was not justified...

Why why why???

I just don't understand why my love are still treating me like a baby... I dun undersatnd why, they wouldn't allow me to do what they are doing...Just because I'm not a citizen yet and I need to apply for one I need to get a full time job and cant pursue my dreams? Just because I need to have a stable income I cant realized my ambition?? I cant believed it... Don't ask me why I was not determined to continue and be firm in my stand, you cant imagine the fight I put up alone, You didn't see how I struggled, how I used all means and ways and end up crying alone under my blanket... I was threatened.. nvm what's the point of saying when I gave in...

But now that I have given away my dream, cant I even do something at least I enjoy? Not that I hate teaching, but I am just not appreciating it, it's just not me... I have no patience for kids, not now. I wanna experience life, learn things that I don't see in schools not going back to teach... I wanna excel, and still hit my target in my very way... yet you say No no to sales, No no to insurance agent... No no to MLM, No no to everything... Pang offer me a good deal, Jimmy too... I'm sure they do see the potential in me in doing insurance, Liang & Crystel sees it that I can do their belair and Amway too... Yes so what if I studied so hard and so long and I'm just an agent or sales person.. But there are degree holders frying char kway tiao too.. And they are doing well.. Maybe Jimmy is right.. I'm too soft hearted, I always gave in especially when I'm under the pressure of my loved ones. Argh... As much as i hate to admit it, I knew Jimmy was all right about me. He saw me through.

I mean he knew I didnt wanna be a teacher, no doubt being an adviser didnt cross my mind but I knew deep inside me that I am capable to be a pretty good one... I mean after all I have got experience in sales all along, after all it's all about selling all i need is some training... I knew like all others, mine would never agree to me being an adviser, and with their characther it's going to be a tough fight. I was told to paint a nice story to them yet I am never a good liar, they knew me too well. I'm scared! I am not lost, I don't have any job offer now that I'm desperate for one for the fear that I get kick out of the country yet I cant accept the offer being an adviser and being a teacher is indeed my last option... Argh...

God, someone, help me?!!!!